Mon.Jan 20.2014

Eren02_c11Hiya.  Eren again.  I never really know what to say, but I have been a little more energetic as of the past few days, so I wanted to say ~something~ while it lasted, heh.

I’ve setup some syncing between my desktop (which is linked to my scanner) and my netbook (which is where I do most of my typing and editing) so I won’t have to hassle as much with transferring files.  Not terribly exciting stuff, but I do enjoy improving a system.  Plus now I have a handy backup that takes care of itself without my having to remember to routinely copy files manually.  Yay!

I didn’t do a lot more story related stuff this weekend, but I did catch up on some of the housework.  Last week I realized I was relying on caffeine waaay too much, so I cut back on that over the weekend as well – never a pleasant process, since I’m one of those people who get really bad headaches for a couple of days from caffeine withdrawal… but being tired and jittery?  Not a good deal.

Um.  I’m going to ramble a bit more, generally about my health and emotions and things, so feel free to skip the rest of this.  I don’t have a story progress update in this post.

So…  I know I don’t talk about being trans much, here or elsewhere really, most of the time.  And to be honest, I’m not sure how much I want to: Ideally, I’d just be able to present myself as I want to be taken, and that would be that.  But the fact of the matter is that at the moment, I don’t think I could pass in public, at all.  I’m pretty much at the very beginning of the process, and while I’ve been looking into the things I can do and will be doing to go forward with it…  I feel like I haven’t really started yet.

I spent a really long time very, very depressed.  It took years for my wife to convince me to get help, and even then… it was sort of tangental.  I started therapy in relation to my gender dysphoria as much as my depression and anxiety; perhaps even more so: I knew I wouldn’t be able to transition without therapy, but there was nothing stopping me from continuing to live a miserable, depressed, hyper-anxious life.  (Other than the fact that I think my wife would’ve killed me to put me out of my own misery, assuming I didn’t get around to it myself.) That said…

Well, we started by looking to my anxiety and depression.  I talked to a few medical professionals, and started taking medication for it.  And I have to admit: it was a pretty amazing change.  No more hyperventilating when I was coming home from the store.  No more sneaking into the bathroom on my breaks to cry.  Good changes!  The medication did pretty much everything it was intended to, and for a few weeks I was just flabbergast that life could be like that for an extended period, instead of like it had been – where I would have maybe a few good days in a week, but more likely only a few good hours on a few good days.

The medication I’m taking has one side effect that’s hitting me really hard, though: I’ve been tired.  All the time, regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten (and I’ve started getting a couple hours more sleep a night than I used to) or how many naps I take (three a day now – morning break, lunch break, afternoon break).

On the one hand, it is worth it to not be such an absolute mess all the time.  On the other?  I’m not doing very well with getting things done at home anymore.  I might cook one night of the week, usually Sunday.  I’m sleeping through most of my Saturdays.  On weeknights, whatever we’re eating is going to be something that can go straight from the freezer to the oven or the fridge to the microwave, and most evenings I’m not doing anything worth mentioning – I don’t have the focus to work on my writing or the drive to do stuff around the apartment, so I’m just killing time until I’m sleepy as well as tired. (Because I’ve been relying on caffeine so much to get through the day, for a few hours after I get home I can’t reliably get to sleep, and I have to stay up until at least 8 to take my medication… I might be able to adjust that time, but I haven’t because I am still a creature of habits.)

Why am I going on about this when I started by talking about being at the start of the transition process?  Well, in addition to the housework and my writing, one of the things that I haven’t had the ooomph to work on is my transition.  I know some of the things I could be doing or should be looking into – I need to find somewhere local that I can start getting laser hair removal, for instance; find out what that will cost and make sure I can cover it.  And I have voice exercises that I should be doing every night and every morning.  I’m not doing these things.  And I’m distressed that I’m not doing them.  But even with that distress to add to it, most evenings I just don’t have the drive to do anything.

I’m at the very start of my transition process.  I have done some things: I’m getting counseling; I’ve met a few other people with similar issues.  I’ve done some research and I know where I should be going and what I should be doing – but I feel like I’m actually off the track; like I haven’t really started at all – that I’m dealing with my depression still.  Not because I’m irrationally depressed, but because the treatment for it is leaving me exhausted.  I mean: I don’t like to stay in my work clothes and still be presenting as male after I get home.  Changing my clothes; making sure I shave my face every other day – these are really simple, really easy things.  But they’re not getting done very reliably.

I’ve been a little better these past couple days.  I’m not sure if it’s the vitamins my sister sent me, or the extra support I’m getting from my wife, or what.  It might even be that my next round of appointments is coming up, and I think I’m going to get my medication changed.  The prospect of not being tired anymore is just about the most exciting thing I’ve had on my plate lately.

I don’t know.  Like I said: I’m rambling.  Mostly I’m worried and…tired.  It’s about 9:30 now, and it feels late.  I’m going to make some tea and go to bed.

I hope the new medicine, if I start one, works as well as this one does without leaving me as tired.

Honestly, if it comes down to it, between the wreck I was and the exhaustion I’m feeling now, I’d choose the exhaustion.  But I really hope those aren’t the only options.  I have a lot more I want to do with my life then just passing time until I can sleep!

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